It feels a little odd to be back at university. Familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Several of my friends from year 0 have gone on, like me, to do Fine Art, so not every one is a stranger.
During the summer the powers that be decided to remove and replace the roof on the studios. Of course the project has taken longer than it was supposed to and so we are currently working in long thin 'studio' belonging to a local company. One more week and hopefully we will be back where we belong and I can settle into a space that will be mine for the next year.
I dislike the uncertainty of this time of year. The not knowing quite what one is supposed to be doing. The projects that are not really projects but time fillers. Or 'ice breakers'. With the idea that it would help us all to get to know each other, we have each been given a part of a painting to copy/interprut. The idea is that we then have to talk to each other in order to make the pieces fit together. Below is my effort. The small image, top right, is my little bit to copy.
(Mixed media, acrylic paint and soft pastels on board)
So far the project has not worked out for me the way my tutor expected it to. Far from helping me to make friends, it became one element amongst others that triggered a panic attack. I sat, staring at the 'puzzle piece' I had been given and at the blank board in front of me, paralysed, heart racing, hands sweating and close to tears. I could neither talk to other students nor begin work. Suddenly, the room seemed to be filled with strangers. Talented strangers who were producing the most amazing work before my eyes. How could I, with my poor drawing skills and clumsy painting technique even pick up a pencil? I felt sure that finally, I would be exposed as a fraud who had some how managed to get into university by accident.
Foolish thoughts, I know. But sometimes knowing does not help. I spoke to the tutor, packed up my things and left. I have not been back since except for the trip to Liverpool.
I had deceided that today I would pull myself together and go in. Unfortunately the gall stone problem has raised its unpleasant, nausiating head again and instead I am off to see the doctor this afternoon.
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Another water colour from my Kos sketchbook.
It's extremely difficult to walk up to perfect strangers when a person doesn't deal with anxiety attacks; ten times harder with them. Hopefully your tutor is understanding and will give you the necessary breathing space. Good luck. :)
Posted by: cat | Wednesday, October 04, 2006 at 08:00 AM
Luckily my tutor is very understanding and supportive. A little too much in some ways as he said I did not have to do the project if I didn't want to. I suspect that it would be a bad idea to begin 'getting out of things', especially this early on.
Posted by: Francesca | Wednesday, October 04, 2006 at 10:42 AM